Ok so I’ve been working on something for a bit and with help of the Council (yes there is a council) we’ve nailed this down for general use. Here’s the thing. I belive that Expletives each have a certian archtype that they can be afixed to. You earth humans tend to have a certian way that you act. You can look at a person and say..yeah…that guy is a “dick” but see, I’m saying that for too long now we’ve used the expletives in such a way as to throw them around like one would their little sister. Through the “Expletive Self Analysis” we’ve defined them a little bit more to the point where you’ll be able to look at how you are (and others) and really say…yeah that guy is “X”.

The only problem thus far is that all the expletives hit the masculine side of the coin. I’m currently working on a list for females, the problem is that the things that women call other women are full of venom and are interchangeable in any situation (I.e. Bitch, Whore, Slut, C U Next Tuesday, etc…) which aren’t really descriptive more so prescriptive. I think that women could use this system, I just think that the might have to deal with the masculine overtones for now until I and the counsil create a list for the ladies…for now here are the rules and the lists.

Rules of Expletive Self Analysis:

1) Every man has a classification and you must classify yourself. Improperly classifying yourself not only hurts you but it makes baby Jesus cry.

2) You may only have one classification, no sub-classifications.
a. You cannot be an AssDick or ShitPrick.
b. You can however be an Ass and sometimes do actions that are kind of Dickish. However primarily you’re an Ass…and everyone knows it.

3) There must be more than one person present when you perform your Expletive Self Analysis or it doesn’t count.

4) If someone in your group decides to perform his ESA, all others must do the same.
a.Note the rest of the group can also put in their 2 cents on what they think you are as they more than likely know you pretty well and will be able to give a fair assessment.
b. If a group is helping (because you can’t really think of one) they cannot classify you as something you’re not with the intention of making fun of you. I.e. IF you’re not a Dumbass (let’s say you’re a prick) they group can’t decide you’re a dumbass just because they want you to be one.

5) In the extreme instance in which you do you fail to classify yourself… well we won’t go there.
The following definitions are to be used by men around the world who wish to perform the ritual of Expletive Self Analysis. After performing the ESA you will feel more comfortable with your actions and you will learn to live with yourself, even if you are going to Hell. Everyone knows at least one of all the following but the important thing to remember is that it takes all kinds to make the world go ‘round.

THE LIST!

Ass: Someone who is brutally honest with those around him in an attempt to help. He will tell you the things you know are true but just don’t want to admit to yourself.

Asshole: Just like an Ass but without the intentions to help people only to hurt and cause pain.

Dumbass: The Dumbass is not unlike the “Mother fucker” (see below), the real difference here is that the Dumbass is completely oblivious to the fact that he’s even saying things that are in appropriate. It’s usually really painful to hang out with a dumbass, most of the time a friend of yours brings his friend, which at that point could be noted as being “That fucking guy” (See below). Either way dude is a dumbass and generally the group decides to “ditch that guy”.

Bastard: The guy who always busts out with the witty, sarcastic responses to all your questions. The Bastard is the master of misinformation; the down side is most of the time it is at your expense. The good bastards actually make you believe the answers he gives you. The Bastard will take every opportunity to make fun of you when you least expect it. I.e. you’re standing around with a bunch of your friends (let’s say your name is Jim”) at the Mall. The bastard would yell super loud “NO Jim I don’t want to Show Dicks!”

Cock: Actions do not describe this guy but more the demeanor of how he carries himself. He is the guy that no one talks to on the plane or in the instance of the weight being misbalanced and the flight attendants needing to re-distribute the weight, the Cock is the guy all the attendants don’t even make eye contact with.

Dick: Everyone knows that guy that is really nice to your face but the moment you turn around he is talking shit about you every chance he gets. The dick will never actually admit he talks shit about you to your face.

Fucking Prick: This guy helps you move your apartment but he will remember the time it took, the day it happened and then will hold it against you for the rest of your life. Yes you’re friends with this guy but ultimately, it’s at a cost, a cost you actually don’t know about but trust me, He’ll remind you about it.

Mother Fucker: This Mother F’er has no boundaries, he will talk about all the wild nights he has had with your mom while your 5 year old kid is standing nearby. The Asshole and the Mother Fucker are kissing cousins and often times it can be difficult with discern right away which is which. Trust that eventually, you’ll be able to pick out if this guy is a mother fucker or an asshole.

Prick: This is the guy that helps you move, but will give you shit about it the entire time. Remarking about how all your boxes must be filled with bricks or lead bricks. He’s the guy who in a full room of people whispers loud enough to you to make sure you hid all your sex toys because he was sure he saw them (Note no sex toys actually exist). In general the Prick gives you shit about pretty much everything.

That Fucking Guy: That Fucking Guy is the one that always appears out of nowhere at the most opportune times when it is beneficial to him and most non-beneficial to everyone around him. That fucking guy will cut in line you’re waiting in, or take your parking space, or be a guy who is wearing a huge ogre suit at some convention.

Shit: This phrase is most commonly used in reference to children 12 years and younger although it can be used when describing an adult of the same mental capacity. That Shit or Little Shit (depending on the age/mental capacity) is the one who is always crying because they only got one scoop of ice cream instead of two. The shit can also be likened to Dennis the Menace